Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Monday, July 16, 2012
- If you are in the left lane,,,get the fuck out of it if people are passing you on the right !
- The steering wheel is not a resting place for food !
- Use your fucking turn signals !
- Turn signals do not give you the right to change lanes if it is occupied, the turn signal is to let the other drivers know what your intentions are, the other driver must let or give you permission to come over !
- The yellow lines are always on the left of you, so if they are on the right your dumb-ass is driving the wrong way !
- If pieces of your car are flapping in the wind ...fix it or burn it !
- Get the hell off your cell phone !
- Drive with respect to/for others !
- I like my car so keep your dented piece of shit away from mine in parking lots !
- Learn to read/speak English so you know what the fuck the signs say !!!
- If you tailgate you will be shot !
- Out of state plates are not a reason to drive like a moron, go three lanes over to exit or anything I deem stupid !
Ford Expedition is now a Ford Mexpedition --- the mexicans love the 1999 model
" " Mextang ---- always have too much crap on it like those glue on fake tear drop vents on the fenders.
I am sure I will come up with more soon.
Friday, March 2, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
Smiling doesn't mean I am happy
Crying doesn't mean I am sad
Being in a crowd doesn't mean I am not lonely
Being alone doesn't mean I am
Doing the right thing isn't always easy
The easy thing isn't always right
The way people see me
Is the way I want them to
Being me is not easy
Looking happy but feeling blue
I live with internal pain
For reasons not known to me
Maybe inside there is the answer
I want to set it free
Smiling in the dark
Is like crying in the rain
No matter what I feel like
No one sees the pain
Doing the right thing isn't always easy
The easy thing isn't always right
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Peering out of the darkness waiting in the shadows
I feel its presence, hatred and horror
Hair on end ears are ringing
Only moments away from horrific things
Breathing elevates sight becomes narrowed
Painful torture is taking over
Perspiring stench takes over the room
Hearing every little noise near and far
I did it again after promising to stop
She no longer listens she has had enough
Things are not as easy as they seem
Just saying I won’t is so fucking lame
What was it in me that made me begin
Living with the craving from within
To think that a substance can control who I am
No way not me is what I want to say
In life there are things we want to change
Oh Lord please take this out of me
I blame only me for my shortcomings in life
The best part of me is my wife
She protects, nurtures and loves me for me
She hates what I do but not who I am
Love has kept my heart going on
For without her I know I would be gone
Saying thank you is not enough
I fall to my knees pray and look up
Feeling the freedom is yet to come
In my heart I know she is the one
God has put her in my life
She is My Angel, she is my wife
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Keeping stride with the mind of reason in an out of control society is like walking an alligator through a minefield using a spaghetti strand for a leash. Nothing seems to be making sense in this world except selling out for power and money. You will be almost totally unsuccessful at finding a large company that is employee dedicated or friendly. Yeah sure in the beginning it all seems nice until the head honchos see their bonuses dwindling down to a measly million or so. The first thing the “company” cut was giving out turkeys for Thanksgiving followed by pink slips for Christmas. However, on the infield of the NASCAR tracks, the Zamboni on the Hockey rink, the many sponsored sporting events through out the year there is this same company spending hundreds of million on advertising. Their responses to these are it’s a tax write off!
Companies want good hard working loyal employees yet they treat them like dirt when things get tough. A certain office is shutting down which will leave around 100 people without jobs this year. I can understand it if there is a downsizing that has to happen, but the company just hired 15 – 20 temps to work at an office not five miles away, and to make things worse the rest of the jobs are being outsourced to India. It’s a typical move for sorry ass companies these days. If I were in charge of this nation I would make it very expensive for companies to move out of America to foreign soil just to pay cheaper labor. In port taxes would be insane, all imports would have to have factory inspections and legitimate paperwork to ensure safety and humane working conditions. Sending jobs over seas and putting “our” people out of work is not the answer.
One thing that strikes me as ironic is that people that work in fast food are sometimes stereo typed as stupid, uneducated or lazy. The irony in this is we never have had a McDonalds or Wendy’s fire people because they are shutting down and moving to Pakistan!
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
I have no idea where to even begin. There is so much rage inside me that is making me sick, tired and suicidal. How in the fuck is this country suppose to be a superpower when the president and all the other politicians in Washington are running it into the ground. Can't these morons see that the way things are going is not best for the country. Politics is one subject that really sets me off. Does anybody else see that the blood sucking assholes in D.C. do things for themselves. They vote , pass bills, push policies and line their pockets for people that pay the most. Lobbyists are nothing more than bribers and blackmailers that work for huge corporations that "donate" money to certain causes, their causes. The governor of Illinois that got busted for selling seats, government positions, did nothing that all other people in his position do except he actually talked about it and said that is what he did. Government is way too big and corrupt.
Our society is a fucking joke. Actors get treated like they are royalty, they are people that are arrogant, ignorant and self centered. They make millions not for being a productive part of society but for "acting" like someone else. And then they have award shows where they pat themselves on the backs and give themselves meaningless awards. Egotistical pieces of shit that want to be recognized for acting....give me a fucking break.
Athletes, mostly NFL players are another group of worthless people that are over paid and mostly uneducated. These guys make millions for playing a game. Once a week they play a game and on an average they play for 15 minutes. The owners and players need a reality check. I say a player should get paid a base salary of $60,000.00 and then across the line incentives. Each position has a set of incentives they have to obtain to get bonuses, kind of like a video game where you need to do certain things to get points. It is called "Pay to Play". No more million dollar bonuses or salaries. These guys get hurt they still get paid, no medical bills, nothing comes out of their pockets. Its the players salaries and the ugly ass stadiums they build these days that keep ticket prices so fucking high that the real die hard fans can only go to one game a year if they are lucky. To take a family of four to a Cowboys game will cost around $1,000.00, that includes tickets , parking, drinks and food. If you want memorabilia add another $200-$300.
And then there are our teachers. These people are the ones that teach our children, are with them more than we are and yet they get paid like shit !!!! Teachers sometimes know our kids better than we do. They see how they interact with others, how they behave in social networks and their intelligence level. There is something seriously wrong in this country when an athlete, performer or actor makes a hell of a lot more than our teachers. This is the same for daycare providers. Teachers can connect with our kids in ways that parents cannot. I remember teachers that seemed to go out of their way to help me when my parents were just too damn lazy to, or they didn't see my struggles. One of those teachers was Mrs. Cynthia Jopling. She was a math teacher that I had during middle school and then she went to teach high school and I had her there too. She was a great teacher and I will never forget her. She took time to pull me aside not only to help with math but also to be there when she noticed something bothering me. I would never miss her class, even though going to class I hated, I never missed hers. She deserved more.
The military is not what it use to be. The military use to be a group of guys that were there because they wanted to be there not because they couldn't find a job like today. I met many people when I was in the Navy and most of them were good people. However, there were a few that were total fucking morons that I know couldn't do a thing in the real world so they joined the military and became "somebody". Still morons but now they had a purpose. I wouldn't help these people if they were on fire, let the morons burn. I shall name a few.....Petty Officer Wharmon, I think he was a Quartermaster or something. This guy was a total piece of shit. He is the kind of guy that tells on people in school, got his ass beat everyday, ran his mouth because he was a physically big person but a pussy with no heart or balls and a kiss ass. The captain of our ship, Lt.Cmdr. Bankert. This sawed off piece of shit was about 5' 2" on his tallest day and reminded me of the ooompa loom-pa's. Another dweeb that used his authority because as a kid he always got pushed around and now its payback from the puppet sized dick-face. The military is full of under achievers, dipshits and losers in society.
The world needs cleansing and soon it will happen. Look around at all the natural disasters that are occurring. Massive floods, hurricanes, fire, earthquakes, tsunamis, famine and more that will happen soon. People are so caught up in what they have and how they look to others to realize that soon it won't matter. Materialistic garbage has taken the place of friendships, conversations and being human. Cell phones are good for emergencies. But the asshole that think they are special in this world kill people because they are driving while texting or talking. Cell phones are hardly used as phones with all this bullshit on them. Applications for games and whatnot. Technology is killing the human race.
People lived longer and worked harder than now because there wasn't all this lazy technology nor all the pharmaceutical companies pushing there drugs. Listen to one of the hundreds of drug commercials on t.v. and the side effects are worse and more damaging then the illness being treated. My great grand parents lived on a working ranch from the time they where kids until they died, my great grandmother was in here 90's when she died. They didn't take medicines like we do today, they walked more, worked harder physically and lived off the land. Today people pump medicines in there bodies, eat crappy food and barely get enough exercise.
I could go on for days about how fucked up this world is but everyone already knows this, but they choose to do nothing about it. Our country is crap, its not the country I would serve for now. Government is way too big and unregulated, unless you count them regulating themselves. One day soon this is all going to end...........standing on the stairway to heaven, I know when I reach the altar that I have a seat with God.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Thursday, August 25, 2011
trying to live not found dead
Rise and fall my chest consumes
the gas of life heavily looms
From warm to cold my skin takes form
eyes rolling back I see no more
From darkness to light I feel relief
floating above looking down upon grief
Tears of sadness pour like rain
I am finally free from all the pain
Don't be sad I made it home
in the hands of "Him"I am not alone
From tears to smiles you know I am here
I shine down upon you I am near
I see the ones I had lost before
reaching out to me through an opened door
Walking into life's final reward
I am home with the Almighty Lord
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
A dark heart a hatred mind
Having twisted thoughts so unkind
The sun is missing in my eyes
Putting on my happy disguise
Looking through a tunnel of muck
A world full of hate runs a muck
Seeking the Light
Wanting a life full of love
Come into my heart as I look above
Hands held high inviting in the light
Starting to smile feels so right
Seeking the Light
The barriers of hate are no longer there
Like a newborn baby pure and bare
Tingling skin feeling the love
Come into my heart as I look above
Living in the light as all should do
I see the light shining down on you
I am in the light
Monday, August 22, 2011
Closing his eyes to escape the pain
On the edge of darkness entering insane
Nothing really matters as time stands still
The pressure inside him drives him to kill
He kills himself over and over to free
his tortured mind
Only falling deeper into the sickness
He tries to leave behind
Images of suicide are his every thought
Love,kindness and compassion
he was never taught
As the days turn into weeks the months into years
His heart has turned to stone crying no more tears
He looks up to "Heaven" for his last reprieve
Yet looking into darkness he can never leave
He kills himself over and over to free
his tortured mind
Only this time his tattered soul
is left far behind
Staring out into the darkness, wondering why I have to keep living a life of pain and why is it such a bad idea to end my life. These are the thoughts that are haunting me every minute of the day…
Since February of this year, I have been in contact with a very special person from my past. She was my world back in the early eighties. She and I had a relationship that was equal to none. Of course, people say your first true love is always the greatest, but this relationship seems to have something else that makes it special. The feeling of excitement and life run through me when we talk, memories poor over me that have emotions and feelings that are as strong as they ever were. The saying about being apart makes the heart grow fonder, does not even come close to this.
We met the winter of 1982 - the world could have stopped turning at that very moment and we would not have even noticed. Love had hit us like the waves on the beach, over and over again. We were the perfect couple, young and deeply in love. I cannot remember us ever having a fight or ever being angry with each other, it was that good. Now, peoples perspective on things are never exactly the same, I am sure that I remember things differently than she does. But one thing I am sure of is that she and I see eye to eye on the deep love we had for one another. It is everlasting.
March 1984, my world had stopped spinning and I felt like jumping off. It was mail call in the Navy dorms in Dam Neck, Virginia where I had been living since graduating from boot camp in January. Mail call is a big deal in the military; it is how the guys and gals stay connected with their loved ones and the world they left behind. My name was called, I had received letters from her almost everyday, and excitement ran through my body, anticipating the smell of perfume and the knowing her hand has touched these pages. However, this would be the last letter I would ever get from her.
As I read the words, a part of me was dying. My legs grew weak and my eyes filled with tears. The love of my life had sent me a “Dear John” letter. It is so hard to explain how it feels to have the life sucked out of you so fast and hard, no words can ever come close to describe it. Numb, lost, alone, are just a few that come to mind. I can’t remember if I tried to contact her after I read the letter. I wish I had kept that letter, but at the time, I was not thinking about keepsakes and all the memories it would contain. Why hadn’t I fought for her and why did she want to hurt me so bad.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
My addiction is a very lonely one, in that I mean its not social anymore and hasn't been for many many years. I stay in one room by myself and become the person I hate the most, me. Imagine for a second that the one thing in this world that you hate the most is with you all the time and you can never get away from it, that's me to myself. Getting high use to be a social thing when out with friends having a "good" time but it hasn't been like that for about 15 or maybe even 20 years now. I have been to rehab but it goes back to being a "lost soul" that I get stuck on because most rehabs are a 12 step program that is based on religion. There are non 12 step programs that i have looking into but are pretty expensive.
From the time that I wake up to the time that I go to bed and even when I sleep I fight the battle with my inner "demons". There is never a passing day or even a moment that I feel the "one" I hate inside me just waiting for the right time to start screaming inside my head. I believe people have this misconception that addicts "want" to use and have the ability to control it. For me its a cyclonic mess that works itself into a mind fuck of a ride until I give in and use. I apparently started a "schedule" of the subconscious that Friday is the dope day, since I had always gotten paid on Friday the "one" I hate knows it will be fed that day. Now Friday can be any day. Another misconception is that addicts want to be high all the time and that is definitely not rue in my case, I hate using. I generally only use once a week and its only $60 each time so if based on those two facts most people would say I am not the text book addict. But being the addict I am telling you its something I cannot control, and there lies the argument.
If it wasn't for one person in this entire world I would be dead, and that person is my wife. She has done everything she possibly could do to keep our family together. She has worked herself to the point of exhaustion because she believes in family and love. She has fought with everything she has for the passed 25 years and I have tried to tear down everything she has done, not on purpose but of my addiction and stupidity. I am not and will never use my addiction as an excuse for anything I have done, I take full responsibility for all my actions. I want to know when all this craziness will end. It sounds strange saying that because I am the one and the only one that can end this life of emptiness.
For those of you that think its all in my mind and I don't want to stop using I say to you that I hope you never have to go through what I do for just one day. If it was as easy as just saying it and doing it do you think people would let their addictions ruin their lives? Its real and I am living it. There are also some people that think I am weak, a loser and a low-life because of this. I say you no longer need to be my "friend", delete me on Facebook and adios. Every person has things about them that nobody knows and this is something that I am sure many of you did not know about me. I am not proud of this and wished I had never used that first time but I did and now I am going to do whatever it takes to try to defeat the "one" that I hate.
Suicide is something I think about everyday but will never do for a couple of reasons. First of all I had someone very close to me commit suicide and it ate me up for a longtime and still does. The second reason is my family, I couldn't hurt my wife like that. I had a dream that I had written my grandson, Jeremiah, a letter before I had taken my life, he will be three in September. I was in my room writing the letter while he was playing in the living room with his mother. I could hear him laughing while I wrote the letter, tears streaming down my face, my chest aching inside from the pain of knowing I will never see him grow up. I want the letter sealed until he was old enough to understand and be able to handle it. I woke up with the ache still in my heart, it was very real.
I go through the steps of suicide of how I would do it and where. I see myself doing it and thinking that the pain, from living, will all be over. But suicide is a very selfish and unforgiving act and for the family that is left behind its devastating. So I don't think I will actually ever do it. It sounds weird reading it out loud that I was (am) actually thinking or planning it but I want to be honest with you and myself.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
I deal with people everyday and its amazing how many people seem to be from the same mold. There seems to be a certain number of molds for people and the process repeats itself time and time again. Physical features and mannerisms give people their individual characteristics but there seems to be a repeating feature here. Have you ever met someone and thought to yourself "he/she reminds me of someone", that is in the realm of what I am talking about. However, its not just the facial features or movements its the total package of individuals. The molds have been over used and now the world is full of "twins", "triplets" and it goes deeper than that. "Jackals in Disguise" is a look into the over use of unknown inbreeding due to the over populating of certain geographical regions. From one person from my generation I have found that I am related to at least 15,000 who are or close to my age. Relation does not necessarily mean same as in DNA so the "watering down" of the gene pool seems evident here. The theory that "we" are all related is very real to a certain degree.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
I woke up this morning, looked at the beautiful sunrise and realized something that i should have seen many years ago.....I Have A Great Life. I have always gauged success and happiness on the things we have, which i think many people do. Materialistic thinking is such an "American" problem that takes away from family bonding and real friendships.
Looking at the sun coming over the trees and warming up the cool morning air a feeling came over me, an uninvited smile crept from my lips and made me feel light, happy and grateful. I have the most wonderful wife that works hard, understands life better than I and keeps "our" life together. Yes we have problems and go through difficult times but isn't that what real life is all about. I think divorce is made way too easy for people to just get out when the going gets tough. Marriage, love, sex, understanding, giving, taking, laughing, crying, arguing....the list goes on and on but it is what makes being with someone special. Sharing life with someone else and giving yourself to that person ( not just sexually) is such a great feeling.
I am as rich as anyone can be in life and yet i have no wealth. I have three children that are healthy, they may not do or be as i wish but was I the child my parents "blue-printed". I adore my two grandchildren but only see one of them almost daily. My wife is a strong, smart, sensible and very loving. I am blessed with such a beautiful person for whom I would be lost without. We have been together for 24 years and married for almost 23. I cannot imagine my life without her and never want to find out. I love her with all my heart. The sun this morning not only kissed the day hello but it shined upon me and opened my eyes.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Today would have been Jeffery Byron Carter's 48th birthday, he was my cousin that was more like a brother. Jeff was born a week before me in 1962. We had always lived close to each other and grew up like brothers. We always hung out with each other and had the same friends. Jeff took his own life in 1985, i was stationed in Long Beach, California while serving in the U.S. Navy. I received the phone call from my father on the ship. The ship was in port, but to get a call on the ship i knew something was wrong. Jeff's death has had more of an affect on my life than i realize. I have and still do wonder why and if I could have prevented it. I wonder what kind of a person he would be today, where would he be, what would he be doing and would we still be close. Some day I hope to see Jeff again and my heart and mind can heal. I loved him like a brother and miss him tremendously. Happy Birthday Buddy !!!
Monday, August 30, 2010
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
2. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
3. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
4. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
5. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
6. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
7. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want.. God is watching the apples.'
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Well the Winter Olympics have begun and i have to say the hype is more than the actual feeling anymore. I remember back in the 70's when the Olympics meant so much more than what they seem to mean now. The USA and Russia were in a Cold War and the Olympics took the place of killing each other. Country pride was overwhelming, the athletes "spoke" for their nation with bravery and patriotism. The Olympics were a family event in which families sat and watched and cheered (out loud) for their countries athletes. It seemed we knew the names of our athletes and where they were from. Nowadays things are different. Back then the athletes from other countries were actually from there and lived there, today a lot of the other countries athletes live here in the USA and attend college or work here but they represent their "homeland". I don't think that's right and i feel it should not be done in this fashion. Are they citizens of the USA ? If they attend college here than how does that work ? Do they get financial aid here or pay taxes ? I never really thought about any of this until now. Olympics are mostly about money and i think that's sad. There are a lot of great athletes but if you leave your country to better your life than you basically gave up on it and why would you represent it if you left it. I am cynical about things like this but its who i am.