Thursday, August 25, 2011

Gasping for air hanging on by a thread
trying to live not found dead
Rise and fall my chest consumes
the gas of life heavily looms
From warm to cold my skin takes form
eyes rolling back I see no more
From darkness to light I feel relief
floating above looking down upon grief
Tears of sadness pour like rain
I am finally free from all the pain
Don't be sad I made it home
in the hands of "Him"I am not alone
From tears to smiles you know I am here
I shine down upon you I am near
I see the ones I had lost before
reaching out to me through an opened door
Walking into life's final reward
I am home with the Almighty Lord

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Seeking Light

A dark heart a hatred mind
Having twisted thoughts so unkind
The sun is missing in my eyes
Putting on my happy disguise
Looking through a tunnel of muck
A world full of hate runs a muck

Seeking the Light

Wanting a life full of love
Come into my heart as I look above
Hands held high inviting in the light
Starting to smile feels so right

Seeking the Light

The barriers of hate are no longer there
Like a newborn baby pure and bare
Tingling skin feeling the love
Come into my heart as I look above
Living in the light as all should do
I see the light shining down on you

I am in the light

Monday, August 22, 2011

No Hope

No Hope

Closing his eyes to escape the pain
On the edge of darkness entering insane
Nothing really matters as time stands still
The pressure inside him drives him to kill

He kills himself over and over to free
his tortured mind
Only falling deeper into the sickness
He tries to leave behind

Images of suicide are his every thought
Love,kindness and compassion
he was never taught
As the days turn into weeks the months into years
His heart has turned to stone crying no more tears
He looks up to "Heaven" for his last reprieve
Yet looking into darkness he can never leave

He kills himself over and over to free
his tortured mind
Only this time his tattered soul
is left far behind

Callow Hearts

Staring out into the darkness, wondering why I have to keep living a life of pain and why is it such a bad idea to end my life. These are the thoughts that are haunting me every minute of the day…

Since February of this year, I have been in contact with a very special person from my past. She was my world back in the early eighties. She and I had a relationship that was equal to none. Of course, people say your first true love is always the greatest, but this relationship seems to have something else that makes it special. The feeling of excitement and life run through me when we talk, memories poor over me that have emotions and feelings that are as strong as they ever were. The saying about being apart makes the heart grow fonder, does not even come close to this.

We met the winter of 1982 - the world could have stopped turning at that very moment and we would not have even noticed. Love had hit us like the waves on the beach, over and over again. We were the perfect couple, young and deeply in love. I cannot remember us ever having a fight or ever being angry with each other, it was that good. Now, peoples perspective on things are never exactly the same, I am sure that I remember things differently than she does. But one thing I am sure of is that she and I see eye to eye on the deep love we had for one another. It is everlasting.

March 1984, my world had stopped spinning and I felt like jumping off. It was mail call in the Navy dorms in Dam Neck, Virginia where I had been living since graduating from boot camp in January. Mail call is a big deal in the military; it is how the guys and gals stay connected with their loved ones and the world they left behind. My name was called, I had received letters from her almost everyday, and excitement ran through my body, anticipating the smell of perfume and the knowing her hand has touched these pages. However, this would be the last letter I would ever get from her.

As I read the words, a part of me was dying. My legs grew weak and my eyes filled with tears. The love of my life had sent me a “Dear John” letter. It is so hard to explain how it feels to have the life sucked out of you so fast and hard, no words can ever come close to describe it. Numb, lost, alone, are just a few that come to mind. I can’t remember if I tried to contact her after I read the letter. I wish I had kept that letter, but at the time, I was not thinking about keepsakes and all the memories it would contain. Why hadn’t I fought for her and why did she want to hurt me so bad.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Trying to Live

Why doesn't God or Jesus answer me when i fall to my knees and ask for help ? I think I am a tortured lost soul that has no so called "God" or spiritual leader. I read stories and have even talked to people that either answered or have a notion that they felt the spirit around them and helped them when asked. I have tried religion, spirituality and a relationship with God but I have never felt the presence or any type of intervention.

My addiction is a very lonely one, in that I mean its not social anymore and hasn't been for many many years. I stay in one room by myself and become the person I hate the most, me. Imagine for a second that the one thing in this world that you hate the most is with you all the time and you can never get away from it, that's me to myself. Getting high use to be a social thing when out with friends having a "good" time but it hasn't been like that for about 15 or maybe even 20 years now. I have been to rehab but it goes back to being a "lost soul" that I get stuck on because most rehabs are a 12 step program that is based on religion. There are non 12 step programs that i have looking into but are pretty expensive.

From the time that I wake up to the time that I go to bed and even when I sleep I fight the battle with my inner "demons". There is never a passing day or even a moment that I feel the "one" I hate inside me just waiting for the right time to start screaming inside my head. I believe people have this misconception that addicts "want" to use and have the ability to control it. For me its a cyclonic mess that works itself into a mind fuck of a ride until I give in and use. I apparently started a "schedule" of the subconscious that Friday is the dope day, since I had always gotten paid on Friday the "one" I hate knows it will be fed that day. Now Friday can be any day. Another misconception is that addicts want to be high all the time and that is definitely not rue in my case, I hate using. I generally only use once a week and its only $60 each time so if based on those two facts most people would say I am not the text book addict. But being the addict I am telling you its something I cannot control, and there lies the argument.

If it wasn't for one person in this entire world I would be dead, and that person is my wife. She has done everything she possibly could do to keep our family together. She has worked herself to the point of exhaustion because she believes in family and love. She has fought with everything she has for the passed 25 years and I have tried to tear down everything she has done, not on purpose but of my addiction and stupidity. I am not and will never use my addiction as an excuse for anything I have done, I take full responsibility for all my actions. I want to know when all this craziness will end. It sounds strange saying that because I am the one and the only one that can end this life of emptiness.

For those of you that think its all in my mind and I don't want to stop using I say to you that I hope you never have to go through what I do for just one day. If it was as easy as just saying it and doing it do you think people would let their addictions ruin their lives? Its real and I am living it. There are also some people that think I am weak, a loser and a low-life because of this. I say you no longer need to be my "friend", delete me on Facebook and adios. Every person has things about them that nobody knows and this is something that I am sure many of you did not know about me. I am not proud of this and wished I had never used that first time but I did and now I am going to do whatever it takes to try to defeat the "one" that I hate.

Suicide is something I think about everyday but will never do for a couple of reasons. First of all I had someone very close to me commit suicide and it ate me up for a longtime and still does. The second reason is my family, I couldn't hurt my wife like that. I had a dream that I had written my grandson, Jeremiah, a letter before I had taken my life, he will be three in September. I was in my room writing the letter while he was playing in the living room with his mother. I could hear him laughing while I wrote the letter, tears streaming down my face, my chest aching inside from the pain of knowing I will never see him grow up. I want the letter sealed until he was old enough to understand and be able to handle it. I woke up with the ache still in my heart, it was very real.

I go through the steps of suicide of how I would do it and where. I see myself doing it and thinking that the pain, from living, will all be over. But suicide is a very selfish and unforgiving act and for the family that is left behind its devastating. So I don't think I will actually ever do it. It sounds weird reading it out loud that I was (am) actually thinking or planning it but I want to be honest with you and myself.