Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Screaming Obsceneties !!!!

I have no idea where to even begin. There is so much rage inside me that is making me sick, tired and suicidal. How in the fuck is this country suppose to be a superpower when the president and all the other politicians in Washington are running it into the ground. Can't these morons see that the way things are going is not best for the country. Politics is one subject that really sets me off. Does anybody else see that the blood sucking assholes in D.C. do things for themselves. They vote , pass bills, push policies and line their pockets for people that pay the most. Lobbyists are nothing more than bribers and blackmailers that work for huge corporations that "donate" money to certain causes, their causes. The governor of Illinois that got busted for selling seats, government positions, did nothing that all other people in his position do except he actually talked about it and said that is what he did. Government is way too big and corrupt.

Our society is a fucking joke. Actors get treated like they are royalty, they are people that are arrogant, ignorant and self centered. They make millions not for being a productive part of society but for "acting" like someone else. And then they have award shows where they pat themselves on the backs and give themselves meaningless awards. Egotistical pieces of shit that want to be recognized for acting....give me a fucking break.

Athletes, mostly NFL players are another group of worthless people that are over paid and mostly uneducated. These guys make millions for playing a game. Once a week they play a game and on an average they play for 15 minutes. The owners and players need a reality check. I say a player should get paid a base salary of $60,000.00 and then across the line incentives. Each position has a set of incentives they have to obtain to get bonuses, kind of like a video game where you need to do certain things to get points. It is called "Pay to Play". No more million dollar bonuses or salaries. These guys get hurt they still get paid, no medical bills, nothing comes out of their pockets. Its the players salaries and the ugly ass stadiums they build these days that keep ticket prices so fucking high that the real die hard fans can only go to one game a year if they are lucky. To take a family of four to a Cowboys game will cost around $1,000.00, that includes tickets , parking, drinks and food. If you want memorabilia add another $200-$300.

And then there are our teachers. These people are the ones that teach our children, are with them more than we are and yet they get paid like shit !!!! Teachers sometimes know our kids better than we do. They see how they interact with others, how they behave in social networks and their intelligence level. There is something seriously wrong in this country when an athlete, performer or actor makes a hell of a lot more than our teachers. This is the same for daycare providers. Teachers can connect with our kids in ways that parents cannot. I remember teachers that seemed to go out of their way to help me when my parents were just too damn lazy to, or they didn't see my struggles. One of those teachers was Mrs. Cynthia Jopling. She was a math teacher that I had during middle school and then she went to teach high school and I had her there too. She was a great teacher and I will never forget her. She took time to pull me aside not only to help with math but also to be there when she noticed something bothering me. I would never miss her class, even though going to class I hated, I never missed hers. She deserved more.

The military is not what it use to be. The military use to be a group of guys that were there because they wanted to be there not because they couldn't find a job like today. I met many people when I was in the Navy and most of them were good people. However, there were a few that were total fucking morons that I know couldn't do a thing in the real world so they joined the military and became "somebody". Still morons but now they had a purpose. I wouldn't help these people if they were on fire, let the morons burn. I shall name a few.....Petty Officer Wharmon, I think he was a Quartermaster or something. This guy was a total piece of shit. He is the kind of guy that tells on people in school, got his ass beat everyday, ran his mouth because he was a physically big person but a pussy with no heart or balls and a kiss ass. The captain of our ship, Lt.Cmdr. Bankert. This sawed off piece of shit was about 5' 2" on his tallest day and reminded me of the ooompa loom-pa's. Another dweeb that used his authority because as a kid he always got pushed around and now its payback from the puppet sized dick-face. The military is full of under achievers, dipshits and losers in society.

The world needs cleansing and soon it will happen. Look around at all the natural disasters that are occurring. Massive floods, hurricanes, fire, earthquakes, tsunamis, famine and more that will happen soon. People are so caught up in what they have and how they look to others to realize that soon it won't matter. Materialistic garbage has taken the place of friendships, conversations and being human. Cell phones are good for emergencies. But the asshole that think they are special in this world kill people because they are driving while texting or talking. Cell phones are hardly used as phones with all this bullshit on them. Applications for games and whatnot. Technology is killing the human race.

People lived longer and worked harder than now because there wasn't all this lazy technology nor all the pharmaceutical companies pushing there drugs. Listen to one of the hundreds of drug commercials on t.v. and the side effects are worse and more damaging then the illness being treated. My great grand parents lived on a working ranch from the time they where kids until they died, my great grandmother was in here 90's when she died. They didn't take medicines like we do today, they walked more, worked harder physically and lived off the land. Today people pump medicines in there bodies, eat crappy food and barely get enough exercise.

I could go on for days about how fucked up this world is but everyone already knows this, but they choose to do nothing about it. Our country is crap, its not the country I would serve for now. Government is way too big and unregulated, unless you count them regulating themselves. One day soon this is all going to end...........standing on the stairway to heaven, I know when I reach the altar that I have a seat with God.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

The Ranch

Pecan trees so big it took four of us kids to hold hands to wrap around the base of the giants. The breeze swaying the green giants back and forth, dead limbs fall on the ground waiting to become kindling for the nights fire. The fields of over grown grass hide thousands of grasshoppers that fill up the sky as we run in circles, hands in the air making the sounds of an old airplane flying the open skies. Memories like these fill my mind. They are from a place my family use to go to when I was a child; we called this place “the ranch”.
My great grandparents James and Ruby Connell owned the ranch. It was a beautiful place that was made up of rolling hills, tall rugged bluffs, monstrous oak and pecan trees and a cool spring fed creek that was actually a small river not a little “city creek”. It was 1,000 acres of beauty and naturalistic freedom. A gentle breeze makes its way over the hills taking with it the smell of the country, a pure fresh scent that is only “smelled” in the country. Or maybe its just clean air that is not attainable in the city with all its smog.
To get to the ranch we had to drive for an hour north on highway 281 and then go east on 290 for another four or five miles. Before getting to the dirt road we passed Miller Creek Cemetery where many of my relatives are buried. It is an old cemetery that is home to some interesting headstones. Some have inscriptions that Indians murdered them. About a mile from the cemetery we made a left onto County Road 202, a dirt road that was the drivers education course for many of us in my family. Us kids would argue who got to drive first and dad would decide, mom got so nervous when dad would let the kids drive.
The dirt road, which is paved today, is a windy up and down road that crosses two creeks in which the water would sometimes be over the cement slab bridges, and it was always a challenge and exciting for us kids to drive the car into the water to the other side. Mom would be nervous as we pointed the vehicle into the water navigating it across the vast river, actually the water was mostly only six or seven inches deep but for a kid it was the mighty Mississippi. There was brother, my sister and me so we shared the driving duties down to the ranch house that great grand mom Connell and her brother had lived.

My great grandmother Lila Ruby Connell was a small woman but a very strong countrywoman. She was a widow since 1966 when her husband James William Connell had passed away. She remained living there with her brother until her death in 1989. James and Ruby, as she was known, were married in 1913 when she was 17 years old and James was 23 years old. I have been told stories about how Ruby’s mother had went over to James’s parents house to confront his parents because she opposed the marriage, and she had killed James’s mother. I am still trying to confirm this however James’s mother passed away in 1913, same year as the marriage.

James and Ruby were real cowboys and cowgirls; they lived the life, lived off the land and made a homestead on that land. I don’t remember my great grandfather but I have seen many pictures of him and have been told stories about him. I have fond memories of my great grandmother from the times we had spent out on the ranch. She was a small woman in stature but a big woman in life. She never had a driver license nor do I think she ever learned to drive, I am still researching her earlier life but it is very difficult because most of the family that would know have passed away.
The ranch was a special place that we would go to on the weekends with our cousins, aunts and uncles and friends. There was a place down on the north side of the property we called the “swimming hole”. It had cliffs on one side and a sandy like beach on the other side. On the cliffs about six feet above the water was a diving board, it was a blast jumping off of that thing into the clear water below. Underneath the board was a rock ledge that we would sit on. It was about two feet under the water and had a cave underneath it that we would try to look into, but truthfully we were all scared to go down under there afraid of the big catfish. There was another huge rock to the left of the diving board in the water that we could stand on; there was a space between the rock and the cliff walls. We would take a deep breath and go down to touch the bottom with our toes and come up as quickly as we could fearing the touch of something we couldn’t see. The swimming hole was a place that we would hang out at for hours and hours, diving to the bottom looking for unusual rocks or we would throw things in and see if we could retrieve them. This was a place were families bonded and without knowing it became closer.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Gasping for air hanging on by a thread
trying to live not found dead
Rise and fall my chest consumes
the gas of life heavily looms
From warm to cold my skin takes form
eyes rolling back I see no more
From darkness to light I feel relief
floating above looking down upon grief
Tears of sadness pour like rain
I am finally free from all the pain
Don't be sad I made it home
in the hands of "Him"I am not alone
From tears to smiles you know I am here
I shine down upon you I am near
I see the ones I had lost before
reaching out to me through an opened door
Walking into life's final reward
I am home with the Almighty Lord

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Seeking Light

A dark heart a hatred mind
Having twisted thoughts so unkind
The sun is missing in my eyes
Putting on my happy disguise
Looking through a tunnel of muck
A world full of hate runs a muck

Seeking the Light

Wanting a life full of love
Come into my heart as I look above
Hands held high inviting in the light
Starting to smile feels so right

Seeking the Light

The barriers of hate are no longer there
Like a newborn baby pure and bare
Tingling skin feeling the love
Come into my heart as I look above
Living in the light as all should do
I see the light shining down on you

I am in the light

Monday, August 22, 2011

No Hope

No Hope

Closing his eyes to escape the pain
On the edge of darkness entering insane
Nothing really matters as time stands still
The pressure inside him drives him to kill

He kills himself over and over to free
his tortured mind
Only falling deeper into the sickness
He tries to leave behind

Images of suicide are his every thought
Love,kindness and compassion
he was never taught
As the days turn into weeks the months into years
His heart has turned to stone crying no more tears
He looks up to "Heaven" for his last reprieve
Yet looking into darkness he can never leave

He kills himself over and over to free
his tortured mind
Only this time his tattered soul
is left far behind

Callow Hearts

Staring out into the darkness, wondering why I have to keep living a life of pain and why is it such a bad idea to end my life. These are the thoughts that are haunting me every minute of the day…

Since February of this year, I have been in contact with a very special person from my past. She was my world back in the early eighties. She and I had a relationship that was equal to none. Of course, people say your first true love is always the greatest, but this relationship seems to have something else that makes it special. The feeling of excitement and life run through me when we talk, memories poor over me that have emotions and feelings that are as strong as they ever were. The saying about being apart makes the heart grow fonder, does not even come close to this.

We met the winter of 1982 - the world could have stopped turning at that very moment and we would not have even noticed. Love had hit us like the waves on the beach, over and over again. We were the perfect couple, young and deeply in love. I cannot remember us ever having a fight or ever being angry with each other, it was that good. Now, peoples perspective on things are never exactly the same, I am sure that I remember things differently than she does. But one thing I am sure of is that she and I see eye to eye on the deep love we had for one another. It is everlasting.

March 1984, my world had stopped spinning and I felt like jumping off. It was mail call in the Navy dorms in Dam Neck, Virginia where I had been living since graduating from boot camp in January. Mail call is a big deal in the military; it is how the guys and gals stay connected with their loved ones and the world they left behind. My name was called, I had received letters from her almost everyday, and excitement ran through my body, anticipating the smell of perfume and the knowing her hand has touched these pages. However, this would be the last letter I would ever get from her.

As I read the words, a part of me was dying. My legs grew weak and my eyes filled with tears. The love of my life had sent me a “Dear John” letter. It is so hard to explain how it feels to have the life sucked out of you so fast and hard, no words can ever come close to describe it. Numb, lost, alone, are just a few that come to mind. I can’t remember if I tried to contact her after I read the letter. I wish I had kept that letter, but at the time, I was not thinking about keepsakes and all the memories it would contain. Why hadn’t I fought for her and why did she want to hurt me so bad.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Trying to Live

Why doesn't God or Jesus answer me when i fall to my knees and ask for help ? I think I am a tortured lost soul that has no so called "God" or spiritual leader. I read stories and have even talked to people that either answered or have a notion that they felt the spirit around them and helped them when asked. I have tried religion, spirituality and a relationship with God but I have never felt the presence or any type of intervention.

My addiction is a very lonely one, in that I mean its not social anymore and hasn't been for many many years. I stay in one room by myself and become the person I hate the most, me. Imagine for a second that the one thing in this world that you hate the most is with you all the time and you can never get away from it, that's me to myself. Getting high use to be a social thing when out with friends having a "good" time but it hasn't been like that for about 15 or maybe even 20 years now. I have been to rehab but it goes back to being a "lost soul" that I get stuck on because most rehabs are a 12 step program that is based on religion. There are non 12 step programs that i have looking into but are pretty expensive.

From the time that I wake up to the time that I go to bed and even when I sleep I fight the battle with my inner "demons". There is never a passing day or even a moment that I feel the "one" I hate inside me just waiting for the right time to start screaming inside my head. I believe people have this misconception that addicts "want" to use and have the ability to control it. For me its a cyclonic mess that works itself into a mind fuck of a ride until I give in and use. I apparently started a "schedule" of the subconscious that Friday is the dope day, since I had always gotten paid on Friday the "one" I hate knows it will be fed that day. Now Friday can be any day. Another misconception is that addicts want to be high all the time and that is definitely not rue in my case, I hate using. I generally only use once a week and its only $60 each time so if based on those two facts most people would say I am not the text book addict. But being the addict I am telling you its something I cannot control, and there lies the argument.

If it wasn't for one person in this entire world I would be dead, and that person is my wife. She has done everything she possibly could do to keep our family together. She has worked herself to the point of exhaustion because she believes in family and love. She has fought with everything she has for the passed 25 years and I have tried to tear down everything she has done, not on purpose but of my addiction and stupidity. I am not and will never use my addiction as an excuse for anything I have done, I take full responsibility for all my actions. I want to know when all this craziness will end. It sounds strange saying that because I am the one and the only one that can end this life of emptiness.

For those of you that think its all in my mind and I don't want to stop using I say to you that I hope you never have to go through what I do for just one day. If it was as easy as just saying it and doing it do you think people would let their addictions ruin their lives? Its real and I am living it. There are also some people that think I am weak, a loser and a low-life because of this. I say you no longer need to be my "friend", delete me on Facebook and adios. Every person has things about them that nobody knows and this is something that I am sure many of you did not know about me. I am not proud of this and wished I had never used that first time but I did and now I am going to do whatever it takes to try to defeat the "one" that I hate.

Suicide is something I think about everyday but will never do for a couple of reasons. First of all I had someone very close to me commit suicide and it ate me up for a longtime and still does. The second reason is my family, I couldn't hurt my wife like that. I had a dream that I had written my grandson, Jeremiah, a letter before I had taken my life, he will be three in September. I was in my room writing the letter while he was playing in the living room with his mother. I could hear him laughing while I wrote the letter, tears streaming down my face, my chest aching inside from the pain of knowing I will never see him grow up. I want the letter sealed until he was old enough to understand and be able to handle it. I woke up with the ache still in my heart, it was very real.

I go through the steps of suicide of how I would do it and where. I see myself doing it and thinking that the pain, from living, will all be over. But suicide is a very selfish and unforgiving act and for the family that is left behind its devastating. So I don't think I will actually ever do it. It sounds weird reading it out loud that I was (am) actually thinking or planning it but I want to be honest with you and myself.

Friday, July 1, 2011


Our so called "Peoples Government" is ruining this country and "our" lives. The Minnesota Government shutdown, how the fuck does something like this happen. If a state government shuts down does this mean its not actually governed or under laws anymore. Politicians have screwed this country so bad giving huge corporations bail-outs, letting corporations not pay any taxes( and I don't want to hear shit about how they employ thousands and they put money into the communities). What are "regular people" like me suppose to do to let the rich "fucks" and the self centered politicians know that "we" are the ones hurting. The politicians make way too much money for the shit they "don't do" and the rich are getting richer because they don't pay enough taxes. When something happens like, someone killing or blowing up the senate, congress or the White House than people will blame the individual for doing such terrible thing, however why not hold the government responsible for pushing people to the edge. People losing their homes, their land, their world.....its ugly and I want to see something happen. This is suppose to be the best country in the world and its FUCKING BROKE because of the assholes in Washington, D.C.. Time for people to start letting the "leaders" in D.C. know we are not going to take it anymore. Look at the FUCKHEADS in D.C. living comfortable and not worrying about their jobs or their homes......This country has become a pile of corrupt bullshit and I would love to see everyone in Government lose everything that they have and let them watch as their lives dwindle. I, as you can tell, am pissed off that "OUR" country has been ruined by immature politicians. I say dissolve the parties and let there be one government for the people, not two governments for themselves. TIME TO SHUTDOWN THE ASSHOLES AND LIMIT PEOPLE IN GOVERNMENT TO SMALLER TERMS AND THE HELL WITH THESE LOBBYISTS AND POCKET STUFFERS. POLITICS POLLUTES PEOPLE !!!

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Jackals in Disguise

I deal with people everyday and its amazing how many people seem to be from the same mold. There seems to be a certain number of molds for people and the process repeats itself time and time again. Physical features and mannerisms give people their individual characteristics but there seems to be a repeating feature here. Have you ever met someone and thought to yourself "he/she reminds me of someone", that is in the realm of what I am talking about. However, its not just the facial features or movements its the total package of individuals. The molds have been over used and now the world is full of "twins", "triplets" and it goes deeper than that. "Jackals in Disguise" is a look into the over use of unknown inbreeding due to the over populating of certain geographical regions. From one person from my generation I have found that I am related to at least 15,000 who are or close to my age. Relation does not necessarily mean same as in DNA so the "watering down" of the gene pool seems evident here. The theory that "we" are all related is very real to a certain degree.