Monday, August 22, 2011

Callow Hearts

Staring out into the darkness, wondering why I have to keep living a life of pain and why is it such a bad idea to end my life. These are the thoughts that are haunting me every minute of the day…

Since February of this year, I have been in contact with a very special person from my past. She was my world back in the early eighties. She and I had a relationship that was equal to none. Of course, people say your first true love is always the greatest, but this relationship seems to have something else that makes it special. The feeling of excitement and life run through me when we talk, memories poor over me that have emotions and feelings that are as strong as they ever were. The saying about being apart makes the heart grow fonder, does not even come close to this.

We met the winter of 1982 - the world could have stopped turning at that very moment and we would not have even noticed. Love had hit us like the waves on the beach, over and over again. We were the perfect couple, young and deeply in love. I cannot remember us ever having a fight or ever being angry with each other, it was that good. Now, peoples perspective on things are never exactly the same, I am sure that I remember things differently than she does. But one thing I am sure of is that she and I see eye to eye on the deep love we had for one another. It is everlasting.

March 1984, my world had stopped spinning and I felt like jumping off. It was mail call in the Navy dorms in Dam Neck, Virginia where I had been living since graduating from boot camp in January. Mail call is a big deal in the military; it is how the guys and gals stay connected with their loved ones and the world they left behind. My name was called, I had received letters from her almost everyday, and excitement ran through my body, anticipating the smell of perfume and the knowing her hand has touched these pages. However, this would be the last letter I would ever get from her.

As I read the words, a part of me was dying. My legs grew weak and my eyes filled with tears. The love of my life had sent me a “Dear John” letter. It is so hard to explain how it feels to have the life sucked out of you so fast and hard, no words can ever come close to describe it. Numb, lost, alone, are just a few that come to mind. I can’t remember if I tried to contact her after I read the letter. I wish I had kept that letter, but at the time, I was not thinking about keepsakes and all the memories it would contain. Why hadn’t I fought for her and why did she want to hurt me so bad.

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