Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Trying to Live

Why doesn't God or Jesus answer me when i fall to my knees and ask for help ? I think I am a tortured lost soul that has no so called "God" or spiritual leader. I read stories and have even talked to people that either answered or have a notion that they felt the spirit around them and helped them when asked. I have tried religion, spirituality and a relationship with God but I have never felt the presence or any type of intervention.

My addiction is a very lonely one, in that I mean its not social anymore and hasn't been for many many years. I stay in one room by myself and become the person I hate the most, me. Imagine for a second that the one thing in this world that you hate the most is with you all the time and you can never get away from it, that's me to myself. Getting high use to be a social thing when out with friends having a "good" time but it hasn't been like that for about 15 or maybe even 20 years now. I have been to rehab but it goes back to being a "lost soul" that I get stuck on because most rehabs are a 12 step program that is based on religion. There are non 12 step programs that i have looking into but are pretty expensive.

From the time that I wake up to the time that I go to bed and even when I sleep I fight the battle with my inner "demons". There is never a passing day or even a moment that I feel the "one" I hate inside me just waiting for the right time to start screaming inside my head. I believe people have this misconception that addicts "want" to use and have the ability to control it. For me its a cyclonic mess that works itself into a mind fuck of a ride until I give in and use. I apparently started a "schedule" of the subconscious that Friday is the dope day, since I had always gotten paid on Friday the "one" I hate knows it will be fed that day. Now Friday can be any day. Another misconception is that addicts want to be high all the time and that is definitely not rue in my case, I hate using. I generally only use once a week and its only $60 each time so if based on those two facts most people would say I am not the text book addict. But being the addict I am telling you its something I cannot control, and there lies the argument.

If it wasn't for one person in this entire world I would be dead, and that person is my wife. She has done everything she possibly could do to keep our family together. She has worked herself to the point of exhaustion because she believes in family and love. She has fought with everything she has for the passed 25 years and I have tried to tear down everything she has done, not on purpose but of my addiction and stupidity. I am not and will never use my addiction as an excuse for anything I have done, I take full responsibility for all my actions. I want to know when all this craziness will end. It sounds strange saying that because I am the one and the only one that can end this life of emptiness.

For those of you that think its all in my mind and I don't want to stop using I say to you that I hope you never have to go through what I do for just one day. If it was as easy as just saying it and doing it do you think people would let their addictions ruin their lives? Its real and I am living it. There are also some people that think I am weak, a loser and a low-life because of this. I say you no longer need to be my "friend", delete me on Facebook and adios. Every person has things about them that nobody knows and this is something that I am sure many of you did not know about me. I am not proud of this and wished I had never used that first time but I did and now I am going to do whatever it takes to try to defeat the "one" that I hate.

Suicide is something I think about everyday but will never do for a couple of reasons. First of all I had someone very close to me commit suicide and it ate me up for a longtime and still does. The second reason is my family, I couldn't hurt my wife like that. I had a dream that I had written my grandson, Jeremiah, a letter before I had taken my life, he will be three in September. I was in my room writing the letter while he was playing in the living room with his mother. I could hear him laughing while I wrote the letter, tears streaming down my face, my chest aching inside from the pain of knowing I will never see him grow up. I want the letter sealed until he was old enough to understand and be able to handle it. I woke up with the ache still in my heart, it was very real.

I go through the steps of suicide of how I would do it and where. I see myself doing it and thinking that the pain, from living, will all be over. But suicide is a very selfish and unforgiving act and for the family that is left behind its devastating. So I don't think I will actually ever do it. It sounds weird reading it out loud that I was (am) actually thinking or planning it but I want to be honest with you and myself.

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