Gasping for air hanging on by a thread
trying to live not found dead
Rise and fall my chest consumes
the gas of life heavily looms
From warm to cold my skin takes form
eyes rolling back I see no more
From darkness to light I feel relief
floating above looking down upon grief
Tears of sadness pour like rain
I am finally free from all the pain
Don't be sad I made it home
in the hands of "Him"I am not alone
From tears to smiles you know I am here
I shine down upon you I am near
I see the ones I had lost before
reaching out to me through an opened door
Walking into life's final reward
I am home with the Almighty Lord

Seeking Light


A dark heart a hatred mind
Having twisted thoughts so unkind
The sun is missing in my eyes
Putting on my happy disguise
Looking through a tunnel of muck
A world full of hate runs a muck

Seeking the Light

Wanting a life full of love
Come into my heart as I look above
Hands held high inviting in the light
Starting to smile feels so right


Seeking the Light

The barriers of hate are no longer there
Like a newborn baby pure and bare
Tingling skin feeling the love
Come into my heart as I look above
Living in the light as all should do
I see the light shining down on you

I am in the light

No Hope

No Hope


Closing his eyes to escape the pain
On the edge of darkness entering insane
Nothing really matters as time stands still
The pressure inside him drives him to kill


He kills himself over and over to free
his tortured mind
Only falling deeper into the sickness
He tries to leave behind


Images of suicide are his every thought
Love,kindness and compassion
he was never taught
As the days turn into weeks the months into years
His heart has turned to stone crying no more tears
He looks up to "Heaven" for his last reprieve
Yet looking into darkness he can never leave


He kills himself over and over to free
his tortured mind
Only this time his tattered soul
is left far behind

Callow Hearts

Staring out into the darkness, wondering why I have to keep living a life of pain and why is it such a bad idea to end my life. These are the thoughts that are haunting me every minute of the day…

Since February of this year, I have been in contact with a very special person from my past. She was my world back in the early eighties. She and I had a relationship that was equal to none. Of course, people say your first true love is always the greatest, but this relationship seems to have something else that makes it special. The feeling of excitement and life run through me when we talk, memories poor over me that have emotions and feelings that are as strong as they ever were. The saying about being apart makes the heart grow fonder, does not even come close to this.

We met the winter of 1982 - the world could have stopped turning at that very moment and we would not have even noticed. Love had hit us like the waves on the beach, over and over again. We were the perfect couple, young and deeply in love. I cannot remember us ever having a fight or ever being angry with each other, it was that good. Now, peoples perspective on things are never exactly the same, I am sure that I remember things differently than she does. But one thing I am sure of is that she and I see eye to eye on the deep love we had for one another. It is everlasting.

March 1984, my world had stopped spinning and I felt like jumping off. It was mail call in the Navy dorms in Dam Neck, Virginia where I had been living since graduating from boot camp in January. Mail call is a big deal in the military; it is how the guys and gals stay connected with their loved ones and the world they left behind. My name was called, I had received letters from her almost everyday, and excitement ran through my body, anticipating the smell of perfume and the knowing her hand has touched these pages. However, this would be the last letter I would ever get from her.

As I read the words, a part of me was dying. My legs grew weak and my eyes filled with tears. The love of my life had sent me a “Dear John” letter. It is so hard to explain how it feels to have the life sucked out of you so fast and hard, no words can ever come close to describe it. Numb, lost, alone, are just a few that come to mind. I can’t remember if I tried to contact her after I read the letter. I wish I had kept that letter, but at the time, I was not thinking about keepsakes and all the memories it would contain. Why hadn’t I fought for her and why did she want to hurt me so bad.

Trying to Live

Why doesn't God or Jesus answer me when i fall to my knees and ask for help ? I think I am a tortured lost soul that has no so called "God" or spiritual leader. I read stories and have even talked to people that either answered or have a notion that they felt the spirit around them and helped them when asked. I have tried religion, spirituality and a relationship with God but I have never felt the presence or any type of intervention.

My addiction is a very lonely one, in that I mean its not social anymore and hasn't been for many many years. I stay in one room by myself and become the person I hate the most, me. Imagine for a second that the one thing in this world that you hate the most is with you all the time and you can never get away from it, that's me to myself. Getting high use to be a social thing when out with friends having a "good" time but it hasn't been like that for about 15 or maybe even 20 years now. I have been to rehab but it goes back to being a "lost soul" that I get stuck on because most rehabs are a 12 step program that is based on religion. There are non 12 step programs that i have looking into but are pretty expensive.

From the time that I wake up to the time that I go to bed and even when I sleep I fight the battle with my inner "demons". There is never a passing day or even a moment that I feel the "one" I hate inside me just waiting for the right time to start screaming inside my head. I believe people have this misconception that addicts "want" to use and have the ability to control it. For me its a cyclonic mess that works itself into a mind fuck of a ride until I give in and use. I apparently started a "schedule" of the subconscious that Friday is the dope day, since I had always gotten paid on Friday the "one" I hate knows it will be fed that day. Now Friday can be any day. Another misconception is that addicts want to be high all the time and that is definitely not rue in my case, I hate using. I generally only use once a week and its only $60 each time so if based on those two facts most people would say I am not the text book addict. But being the addict I am telling you its something I cannot control, and there lies the argument.

If it wasn't for one person in this entire world I would be dead, and that person is my wife. She has done everything she possibly could do to keep our family together. She has worked herself to the point of exhaustion because she believes in family and love. She has fought with everything she has for the passed 25 years and I have tried to tear down everything she has done, not on purpose but of my addiction and stupidity. I am not and will never use my addiction as an excuse for anything I have done, I take full responsibility for all my actions. I want to know when all this craziness will end. It sounds strange saying that because I am the one and the only one that can end this life of emptiness.

For those of you that think its all in my mind and I don't want to stop using I say to you that I hope you never have to go through what I do for just one day. If it was as easy as just saying it and doing it do you think people would let their addictions ruin their lives? Its real and I am living it. There are also some people that think I am weak, a loser and a low-life because of this. I say you no longer need to be my "friend", delete me on Facebook and adios. Every person has things about them that nobody knows and this is something that I am sure many of you did not know about me. I am not proud of this and wished I had never used that first time but I did and now I am going to do whatever it takes to try to defeat the "one" that I hate.

Suicide is something I think about everyday but will never do for a couple of reasons. First of all I had someone very close to me commit suicide and it ate me up for a longtime and still does. The second reason is my family, I couldn't hurt my wife like that. I had a dream that I had written my grandson, Jeremiah, a letter before I had taken my life, he will be three in September. I was in my room writing the letter while he was playing in the living room with his mother. I could hear him laughing while I wrote the letter, tears streaming down my face, my chest aching inside from the pain of knowing I will never see him grow up. I want the letter sealed until he was old enough to understand and be able to handle it. I woke up with the ache still in my heart, it was very real.

I go through the steps of suicide of how I would do it and where. I see myself doing it and thinking that the pain, from living, will all be over. But suicide is a very selfish and unforgiving act and for the family that is left behind its devastating. So I don't think I will actually ever do it. It sounds weird reading it out loud that I was (am) actually thinking or planning it but I want to be honest with you and myself.

pOLITICS POLLUTES PEOPLE

Our so called "Peoples Government" is ruining this country and "our" lives. The Minnesota Government shutdown, how the fuck does something like this happen. If a state government shuts down does this mean its not actually governed or under laws anymore. Politicians have screwed this country so bad giving huge corporations bail-outs, letting corporations not pay any taxes( and I don't want to hear shit about how they employ thousands and they put money into the communities). What are "regular people" like me suppose to do to let the rich "fucks" and the self centered politicians know that "we" are the ones hurting. The politicians make way too much money for the shit they "don't do" and the rich are getting richer because they don't pay enough taxes. When something happens like, someone killing or blowing up the senate, congress or the White House than people will blame the individual for doing such terrible thing, however why not hold the government responsible for pushing people to the edge. People losing their homes, their land, their world.....its ugly and I want to see something happen. This is suppose to be the best country in the world and its FUCKING BROKE because of the assholes in Washington, D.C.. Time for people to start letting the "leaders" in D.C. know we are not going to take it anymore. Look at the FUCKHEADS in D.C. living comfortable and not worrying about their jobs or their homes......This country has become a pile of corrupt bullshit and I would love to see everyone in Government lose everything that they have and let them watch as their lives dwindle. I, as you can tell, am pissed off that "OUR" country has been ruined by immature politicians. I say dissolve the parties and let there be one government for the people, not two governments for themselves. TIME TO SHUTDOWN THE ASSHOLES AND LIMIT PEOPLE IN GOVERNMENT TO SMALLER TERMS AND THE HELL WITH THESE LOBBYISTS AND POCKET STUFFERS. POLITICS POLLUTES PEOPLE !!!

Jackals in Disguise

I deal with people everyday and its amazing how many people seem to be from the same mold. There seems to be a certain number of molds for people and the process repeats itself time and time again. Physical features and mannerisms give people their individual characteristics but there seems to be a repeating feature here. Have you ever met someone and thought to yourself "he/she reminds me of someone", that is in the realm of what I am talking about. However, its not just the facial features or movements its the total package of individuals. The molds have been over used and now the world is full of "twins", "triplets" and it goes deeper than that. "Jackals in Disguise" is a look into the over use of unknown inbreeding due to the over populating of certain geographical regions. From one person from my generation I have found that I am related to at least 15,000 who are or close to my age. Relation does not necessarily mean same as in DNA so the "watering down" of the gene pool seems evident here. The theory that "we" are all related is very real to a certain degree.

A Shining Moment

I woke up this morning, looked at the beautiful sunrise and realized something that i should have seen many years ago.....I Have A Great Life. I have always gauged success and happiness on the things we have, which i think many people do. Materialistic thinking is such an "American" problem that takes away from family bonding and real friendships.

Looking at the sun coming over the trees and warming up the cool morning air a feeling came over me, an uninvited smile crept from my lips and made me feel light, happy and grateful. I have the most wonderful wife that works hard, understands life better than I and keeps "our" life together. Yes we have problems and go through difficult times but isn't that what real life is all about. I think divorce is made way too easy for people to just get out when the going gets tough. Marriage, love, sex, understanding, giving, taking, laughing, crying, arguing....the list goes on and on but it is what makes being with someone special. Sharing life with someone else and giving yourself to that person ( not just sexually) is such a great feeling.

I am as rich as anyone can be in life and yet i have no wealth. I have three children that are healthy, they may not do or be as i wish but was I the child my parents "blue-printed". I adore my two grandchildren but only see one of them almost daily. My wife is a strong, smart, sensible and very loving. I am blessed with such a beautiful person for whom I would be lost without. We have been together for 24 years and married for almost 23. I cannot imagine my life without her and never want to find out. I love her with all my heart. The sun this morning not only kissed the day hello but it shined upon me and opened my eyes.

Happy Birthday Jeff

Today would have been Jeffery Byron Carter's 48th birthday, he was my cousin that was more like a brother. Jeff was born a week before me in 1962. We had always lived close to each other and grew up like brothers. We always hung out with each other and had the same friends. Jeff took his own life in 1985, i was stationed in Long Beach, California while serving in the U.S. Navy. I received the phone call from my father on the ship. The ship was in port, but to get a call on the ship i knew something was wrong. Jeff's death has had more of an affect on my life than i realize. I have and still do wonder why and if I could have prevented it. I wonder what kind of a person he would be today, where would he be, what would he be doing and would we still be close. Some day I hope to see Jeff again and my heart and mind can heal. I loved him like a brother and miss him tremendously. Happy Birthday Buddy !!!

"Hey Buddy, I Love You"

Finding friends from the past opens up my mind to places and times i haven't visited in many years. Simple things like a Bill Miller iced tea makes me think of playing football in the park with my cousin Jeff, Chuck Dakin, Shawn McCann, John Pittman and many other friends. After the games we would all go to Bill Millers and get some sweet iced tea. Its the same with songs, movies, stores and other little triggers that set off memories. What seems important to me might be nothing and seem meaningless to others but that's what makes memories so personal and meaningful. I also find that things i remember may not be exactly how someone sees them, i am not sure if its because I, the person remembering, remember for a certain reason. I may remember something because it made me happy in which i think i would have a more positive spin on the memory and do the opposite for a bad memory. There are things in my life i still have no answers for and i know there will never be complete "closure" but answers would help me feel better, i think. Jeff Carter was my cousin. He was born on September 24, 1962 exactly one week before i was born. We always lived close to each other our whole lives. We grew up together and were more like brothers that cousins. When i was in the Navy i got a call from my father telling me that Jeff had taken his own life, this was 1985. The coroner said he had taken his life on a Sunday. I had spoken to Jeff on the Friday before and he wanted to know if i could come home to Texas from California on leave that weekend. I had duty and it was too late to find a replacement so i couldn't go. When i heard he had taken his life i felt like if i was there he may have not done it. I know that if a person is going to take his or her life there is nothing anyone can do but its something that i can't and feel i will never be able to believe or get passed. The questions never go away about why he did what he did, how hurt and how painful it still is tears me apart. I have a picture of Jeff that was taken before he rode his motorcycle out to Cali to visit me. I look into his eyes and wonder what the hell was going on, why couldn't he talk to me, what was haunting him to the point of taking his own life. I don't think that people who commit suicide understand the pain they cause others the ripple of pain and heartache is tremendous. Sometimes i look up to the heavens and cry for Jeff, he meant so much to me and i knew we had a special bond but as teenagers and young (male) adults we never said "hey buddy i love you", something that i wish i had done. I talk to him a lot, telling him that i miss him and forgive him. Letting him know he is missed and still loved dearly is something i feel keeps him close to me. I went through the grieving process but i don't think i ever really grieved, i always went back to "why". I am almost positive i will never know and it doesn't matter but it is the one thing that i cannot get passed. Jeff you know i miss you and you can hear me talking to you......I will see you someday....."Hey buddy i love you"

Callow Hearts

This is the title of my work in progress, its a love story. The lives of two young adults as they find love and the happiness living day to day. It is based on true events that they experienced and the path that they took in life.

From the Minds of Children

1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.



2. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'



3. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'



4. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'



5. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'



6. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'

'Yes,' the class said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet ain't empty.'



7. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want.. God is watching the apples.'

The Olympics

Well the Winter Olympics have begun and i have to say the hype is more than the actual feeling anymore. I remember back in the 70's when the Olympics meant so much more than what they seem to mean now. The USA and Russia were in a Cold War and the Olympics took the place of killing each other. Country pride was overwhelming, the athletes "spoke" for their nation with bravery and patriotism. The Olympics were a family event in which families sat and watched and cheered (out loud) for their countries athletes. It seemed we knew the names of our athletes and where they were from. Nowadays things are different. Back then the athletes from other countries were actually from there and lived there, today a lot of the other countries athletes live here in the USA and attend college or work here but they represent their "homeland". I don't think that's right and i feel it should not be done in this fashion. Are they citizens of the USA ? If they attend college here than how does that work ? Do they get financial aid here or pay taxes ? I never really thought about any of this until now. Olympics are mostly about money and i think that's sad. There are a lot of great athletes but if you leave your country to better your life than you basically gave up on it and why would you represent it if you left it. I am cynical about things like this but its who i am.

Falling Snow

This morning i awoke to a snow covered landscape, such a beautiful sight. There is something about the snow that puts a smile on my face. Is it the memories of childhood or just the pure whiteness of the snow ? Watching snow flakes fall from the sky is special, the way they dance all the way down to join the rest of the fallen flakes, to me its very beautiful. Living in North Texas we see snow just about every year but its usually only one to three inches at a time. I remember as a kid in Levittown, Pennsylvania playing in the snow making snowmen. Making snow forts and having snowball fights with my friends. As a grown up snow is different, its now a burden and not as fun as it once was. I still enjoy walking in the snow and watching my grandsons eyes light up as he touches the cold white stuff. Snow to me is still a wonderful sight.....

Walt Carbliss

Walt Carbliss is the main character in my book. He grew up in the mountains of Western Maryland in a small town called Deep Creek Hollow. He faced many obstacles growing up due to the fact that he was born with only a partial left arm. His life consists of hiding in the woods and daydreaming about being someone else and hunting adventures. Life changes for him when an accident takes him away from his home and into the arms of the Shawnee Indians. Walt discovers he is not what the "white" kids thought of him but that he was a very special kid in the eyes of the Indians. Walt grows up learning about what life, love and friendships are really about. Tragedy later in life sends him deep into the unforgiving mountains to live life the only way he knows......alone.